Say You Have Two Cows.........

                         The cow theory of capitalism updated........ 


DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM   You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST   You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST   You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE   You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE   You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION   You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION   You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION   You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION   You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION   You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION   You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION   You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION   You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION   You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION   You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION   You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION   You have millions of cows. They  make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
Hat tip Paul T

ok guys, I want one on Iran..........this should be good

From Lawhawk

New Orleans Cows: You have two cows. They're both made of chocolate and need life preservers.

Taliban cows: You have two cows. Both are covered head to toe in a burka and are fearful of making milk for fear of being 'tipped.'

Iranian cows: There are no Iranian cows. If there are Iranian cows, they're being used for peaceful purposes. If they're not being used for peaceful purposes, they're being used as per our right as a sovereign right. And as our sovereign right, we intend to use the cows on you at our earliest possible convenience.

Reader Barry D;

Canadian. You have a perfectly nice great white cow and your neighbor to the south has a big brown, black and white cow. You brag that your cow is really better even if smaller because it gets free state supplied veterinary service and its milk is always cold (but that's because the cow waited in line outside for eight months to see the vet). You complain about the oppressiveness of your nieghbor's colorful cow and how you'd never want a cow like that. You create comedy shows about your nieghbor's cow and send Canadian farmers to be news readers on their TV programs. You stomp your feet. Then, you throw some black and brown paint on your cow and fatten it up.

Reader Larson casts  pearls,

Iranian Corporation
You have a herd of cows which makes a lot of money due to the high price of milk.  You spend it all to research mad cow disease for 'peaceful purposes.'  In the meantime, all of your smartest and most productive cows have moved to Los Angeles.

Liberal University Think Tank
You have two cows.  You spend all of your time discussing 'the nature of cowness' and conclude that a cow is a 'construct' of the patriarchal and racist society that oppresses us all.  While participating in the 'discourse' you neglected to feed your cows and both died.  You blame George W. Bush.

Space Pragnatism is most clever here;

Space Cows

NASA
You have one cow.
The cow just runs around in circles in the field.
You miss your old cow.
You can't rely on any other farmers (because farming is just too hard)
You retire your cow, dig up your old cows bones and wrap it in new leather.

Alt Space
You have fifty cow designs
Any one of your cows would put out 50 times the milk of government cows
If only you had money...

(I admit they may be a bit arcane. But to somebody in the space business like me, and also a regular reader of space blogs, this is pretty hilarious. And ever so true.)

EXPATE SWEDE does the cow thang:

I cannot post comments from this computer, but here goes:
---
NEW YORK. You have two cows. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you milk
can and will be used against you in a court of law. If you cannot milk the cows,
milk will be provided for you by the state.

IRAN. You have two cows. You equip one of them with a nuclear device and drop it
over Israel. A Patriot missile blows it to pieces. The cow's milk splatters all over
your airplane. Your engine is destroyed and you crash in the Syrian desert. Your
other cow mvoes to Iraq and marries a bull.

HILLARY. You are a cow.

Comments

[elvis]

You have one open society in the Middle East the size of New Jersey and many closed societies the size of Ted kennedy's ego which vastly overshadows the size of the open society. The closed society thinks that lambs are pigs.

[Old Soldier]

COngressional Cows. A special Congressional committee was told to design two horses...

[MadVeterinarian]

Iran: You own one fourth of all the world's cows, and sell the milk to the infidels accounting for your countries income. You spend all your money developing weapons to destroy these infidels

[Thomas Carney]

You have two cows. One is publicly executed by hanging for "opposing the Islamic Revolution." You want to enrich the milk from the other cow by irradiating the udders but the UN wants to monitor or disallow it. You start irradiating anyway and kill the second cow.

Then you blame Israel and the United States for all your problems.

[lawhawk]

New Orleans Cows: You have two cows. They're both made of chocolate and need life preservers.

Taliban cows: You have two cows. Both are covered head to toe in a burka and are fearful of making milk for fear of being 'tipped.'

Iranian cows: There are no Iranian cows. If there are Iranian cows, they're being used for peaceful purposes. If they're not being used for peaceful purposes, they're being used as per our right as a sovereign right. And as our sovereign right, we intend to use the cows on you at our earliest possible convenience.

[Captain Kirk]

The Italian cows certainly strike a chord with me. When I was there it was summer time and "the livin' was easy". Yes, alot of wine, cheese & fruit platters under the Tuscan sun. Yet, the trains were no doubt the dirtiest in Europe, and that under-arm
hair deal was hard to adjust to.
As to the cows, the milk was definitely sweeter the closer I got to George Clooneys'
villa at Logo Como.

[Barry Dauphin]

Canadian. You have a perfectly nice great white cow and your neighbor to the south has a big brown, black and white cow. You brag that your cow is really better even if smaller because it gets free state supplied veterinary service and its milk is always cold (but that's because the cow waited in line outside for eight months to see the vet). You complain about the oppressiveness of your nieghbor's colorful cow and how you'd never want a cow like that. You create comedy shows about your nieghbor's cow and send Canadian farmers to be news readers on their TV programs. You stomp your feet. Then, you throw some black and brown paint on your cow and fatten it up.

[Thomas Carney]

Someone wrote: "(I admit they may be a bit arcane. But to somebody in the space business like me, and also a regular reader of space blogs, this is pretty hilarious. And ever so true.)"

The space industry is woefully broken. NASA and the contractors have a severely dysfunctional mentality that has led to record numbers of astronauts getting killed thanks to that piece of garbage space shuttle. It's all about cutting corners and doing it faster.

How many astronauts got killed on Mercury missions? None. How many got killed on Gemini missions? None. How many got killed on Apollo missions? Three. Gus Grissom and two others on Apollo 1.

How many have been killed on SPACE SHUTTLE MISSIONS???

When Goldin took over as head of NASA, he gave this long speech about "faster, better, cheaper."

Any real engineer or scientist knows the real version of that: Faster, better, cheaper. PICK ANY TWO.

[Thomas Carney]

Sorry I went off topic there..... I used to work in aerospace.... it's all about cutting corners today.

[Demogenes Aristophanes]

OBJECTIVISM: Nobody ever milks the cows or mucks the barn because that's shit work and you forgot to bring people willing to do that sort of thing to Galt's Gulch. So the cows die in their own filth of burst udders. Then it turns into the Donner Party with it all coming down to Pamela battling John Galt for Dagny Taggart's shinbone.

[superhawk]

Hey Pam!

You oughta write a book. I remember when it was just a capitalist cow and a communist cow.

But then, I also remember Tin Lizzie's and drinking bathtub gin out of a slipper...

Rick Moran

[striving for average]

Iran

You have two cows, your neighbor has none. If you catch your neighbor drinking milk, you butcher a cow.

[Kaneda]

Hezbollah

You attach a Bomb to a Cow to send it to Israel. An Israelian warplane identifies you as terrorist and launches a missile but misses. The cow, terrified, runs away after stepping on your foot. The cow steps on one of your mines and explodes. You declare that Israel is bombing your cows, show your dead cow as proof and your foot as colateral damage.

[Kaneda]

An old classic:

Great Britain

You have two cows. Both are mad.